Don’t get too excited about this post.
I don’t have the answer.
That’s right…I don’t really know what to do, but I have some ideas:
Idea #1: Just because my foundation has been shaken so hard that some pieces have broken off and the entire thing is brimming with cracks, doesn’t mean everyone else’s is in the same shape. With that being said, I can ask for help or an opinion or a thought from somebody who is a bit more grounded than I. (Or even just to spend time with…because time spent with someone who has strength and kindness and good intentions will ALWAYS be time well spent.)
Idea #2: Even though I am forced to question everything…and I mean everything. (i.e. beliefs, values, rights, wrongs, purposes, meanings, friendships, familyships, spaceships…ok, so I got a little carried away with the spaceships) There are still some things in my life that are consistent and a safe place to go for refuge. For me, this is practicing yoga on my mat and curling up on the futon with my cat. Maybe you have something like that?
Idea #3: Don’t judge or criticize myself. This can NEVER be a bad idea. And, if I all of a sudden have no idea (but clearly I have at least 3 so far) about who I am or what I stand for or what I should be doing…it’s inevitable that I might do something out of character. Afterall, I have to test these things out and I’m a hands-on kinda girl. So let’s say I do something that’s “bad”…well, I can brood over it and tell myself how terrible I am for committing such an act (even if we just think of committing such an act…let’s be honest–we can be really harsh on ourselves for the littlest thing) Or, I can learn and grow from it. It was either right for me, or it wasn’t. And, if it wasn’t, the last thing I need right now (or anyone for that matter) is to shame my behaviors and defecate all over my self-worth. I can cut myself some slack.
Meanwhile, it’s normal and ok to feel out-of-whack, like somebody has whacked me or completely whack-o. I think the trick is, is to let time be on my side. To be ok with not being ok…afterall, no emotion lasts forever (a comforting thought!)
And I imagine that as I sift through all these broken pieces of what was once thought of as an unbreakable/unshakeable foundation, I can decide which pieces to put back into place and which ones to leave in the dust of my old-ways-of-doing-and-thinking. As I examine closely and carefully all the tiny cracks and all the large cracks at the base, I can figure out not only how to fill them in…but with what I’d like them to be filled with–creating a better, brighter version of the girl that you guys know…(or don’t know, whatever. But I’m pretty sure there has been only one person I don’t know who actually took time to read my blogs.) Don’t worry, I definitely do not base my esteem on something like that!